A New Beginning

Here is an old post which somehow never was published.

As this year began I had no idea where it would lead. One thing is certain, my heart's desire has been and still is to serve and know our G-D better and to draw closer to His will. I've always dreaded the thought of being lukewarm; of just getting by each day. Every day that passes, is a blessed opportunity to strive for a higher goal, to learn, to share, to love our Creator and those He has made. My days have changed so much since this year began. Looking back I can say, that it's been a difficult year; and that is just putting it mildly. The hardships nevertheless are by far insignificant when compared to the amazing blessings that have poured into our lives. How can I not be thankful and have a heart filled with joy. An immeasurable peace and love, that can only come from our G-D; that which He has been given to us.

Blessings!

A time to mourn: One mother's painful loss

It's barely been a month and the memory is quite vivid. This is my personal experience of a most terrible loss but I think this is a story worth sharing. I believe so, for the sake of any mother out there going through a similar experience. It was a few months back when I first found out I was expecting. The news came bringing  us feelings of excitement and happiness. The thought of a tender little baby in my arms. This would most definitely be a welcomed blessing in our home. The first weeks were quite tiring and a bit difficult to get by. Currently employed outside my home was quickly becoming a challenge. Because of the proximity of my job, I managed to come home daily for a much needed nap. This helped me somewhat, though managing home and my job was was increasingly difficult due to my pregnancy. My amazing family was so much help during these days, especially my third-born daughter. I am very thankful for them all. 

Up early each day, I managed to drag myself out of bed thinking that surely I'd be quitting in three months. My thought was to hang on just a little longer; then I'd be a stay at home mom once again. I was looking forward to finally being home with my kids, and soon with my baby as well. What a joy these thoughts brought to me. There was so much going through my mind and so many plans to be made. 

Then one day an abrupt event changed everything.  I woke up early one day with the past night's dream very clear in my memory. I usually had dreams and remember them, but it had been a while since this happened. This morning I was shocked at my dream. It was so clear in my mind and very painful as I thought about it. I knew in my heart that this dream meant something and cried thinking what it could possibly mean. In my dream I saw my unborn child, he was a boy with such a look of innocence that left such an impression on me. As I looked into his eyes, I noticed a deep sadness in his eyes. I wondered at such a thing and then before I knew it I woke up. Now this might sound like an ordinary dream to some, but I knew it was for a reason I had dreamt  it. 

I want to explain something about myself before continuing. I'm not superstitious or anything like that. Before this, I hadn't really ever thought much about this, that is until recently. In reality, my thoughts were quite contrary than what I think today. Up until recently I discarded my whole dream thing as coincidences. You see, during every one of my pregnancies I've had a dream of each of my children. I have always dreamt of my babies before they are born, and in my dreams I can tell what their gender is. I know it's a bit bizarre, but true. This has been true of all eleven children. And there was even a particular time, back in 2001 which was unlike the rest. On this day I recalled a dream, when a voice told me I was expecting a boy. What was so strange to me, was that I didn't know I was pregnant. A few hours later I got very sick. I knew somehow that this meant a miscarriage, and a few hours later at the ER, my worst fears were confirmed.

Back to the dream of this last pregnancy, something inside told me what it meant. My thoughts were that something was wrong with the baby, and though I dreaded the thought, I believed it meant I would lose him. As I drove to work that morning I cried and prayed to the L-rd. I cried for help and especially prayed that the baby would be okay. Then a peace came over me, and as tears rolled down my face I spoke to my Heavenly Father saying I will accept your will whatever it may be. 

Shortly after that, not sure how many days I began feeling sick. There was the smallest sign of spotting and the feeling I can't describe, but can just say was of not feeling well. I had only known of my pregnancy a short time, and was only planning to make a doctor's appointment. I thought, maybe this Friday I'll look over my insurance and make my appointment. It was Monday, but as the week progress and no signs of improvement showed I began to doubt about my pregnancy. What if I wasn't pregnant after all, I thought. One short drive to the store and another quick home pregnancy test dispelled those doubts immediately. I was glad to find I was right about being pregnant, but worried about my health.

I continued working, reasoning that it would be alright since my job required me to spend most of the time sitting. It also gave me the opportunity to go home for several hours and get some rest. Yet, every morning as I drove to work, I cried, prayed to G-D, and even spoke to my unborn child. I told my baby how much I loved him, and how he was much wanted by everyone at home. By this time my oldest children knew about my pregnancy, only my four youngest didn't. I had also began telling my children at different times that I wasn't feeling well, and what this could mean for the baby.

Friday morning came, as I woke to discomfort and pain. I got up around four and tried going back to sleep after a while, only to wake to the pain and the thought that I was experiencing contractions. Suddenly, I realized I was covered in blood and as I cried and got up to change, my husband's first thoughts were to call for an ambulance. I asked  him right away not to, but to instead drive me to a hospital very close to our house. I was sitting on chair quite weak as my daughter helped me get dressed and put my shoes on. Suddenly the room seamed to get dark, and I urged my husband to call our first-born. 

All I recall next is waking and while my eyes were yet closed recalling all these things and thinking I would tell my husband what a strange dream I had just dreamt. Unfortunately, as I opened my eyes and realized I was being carried to the car, I became aware it was actually happening. I was in and out of consciousness at the hospital after that with my husband and son by my side.  After a transfusion of several units of blood, I was awake and conscious to the painful reality of having lost my baby. 

 No sooner had I woke from a surgical procedure then my sisters arrived from out of town; immediately to be there by my side. It's beyond words for me to explain how good it did to me; that is, to have their support when I needed most. I felt G-d's loving care through my dear husband, my son, and sisters. Everything seemed to have happened so quickly. I was heartbroken, but at the same time was experiencing an unexplainable peace. This was an experience quite unlike the one during my first miscarriege, when my world was falling apart, and all I wished was to die. It's strange that this pregnancy that I had more time to grow attached to the baby, I was experiencing this peace and serenity. 

I definitely still cry when I remember. I feel a sadness and a loss that I may never quite recover from. There will always be a place in my heart, a memory of my baby. When I returned to my doctor for a follow up, I cried as the doctor explained that what I had thought was one and a half to two months pregnancy was actually closer to four. And of course after the lab results' explanations, she went on to tell me what I already knew....       the baby was a boy.

For any mothers out there having been through this kind of loss, I want to say there is healing. You can go on, and you can find G-D's loving comfort. Pray to Him, draw close to him. He know's your pain. If you can't imagine a greater love than a mother's for her child, let me tell you there is one greater. The greatest love ever, is G-D's love for us. He can heal your aching heart, just seek him. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Matt.5:4 

M.J.

Seasons Change

Many days have passed since I last took time to write a post. The things that have transpired since have changed my life quite a bit. There have been major disappointments, difficulties, and changes; but thankfully also great reasons to rejoice in the midst of it all.


The main reasons that kept me from writing were, a crazy schedule that basically required me to commute back and forth during the week, and the arrival of our new addition to the family. It was the birth of my baby girl, that finally gave me an excuse to settle down and once again enjoy my time at home. With my month and a half baby I feel like I'm still on the road to recovery from the busy schedule, though now it is much different. My day revolves around my families needs, mostly my baby's. I'm working my way back to homeschooling my younger children while trying to get into my routine of keeping our home.

Some weeks ago this happened. I received a phone call from my oldest sister announcing my mother had just had a mild stroke, followed by others soon after. Eventually she was admitted to the hospital, and then in a rehabilitation center for people recovering from these types of health problems. My mother has since returned home and is doing much better. 

Once again another phone call was to bring us more bad news. This time it I received the news that another sister was having health problems, and after an appointment with  her doctor and then a specialist, they confirmed she had a tumor. The thing is they could not tell her at the time if there was any cancer involved, but said they would let her know after the surgery. Immediately they set a date; if I'm not mistaken it was within a week. To our shock the surgery revealed that although there was no cancer, the tumor wound up measuring something close to a foot and a half. The good news is she is now recovering from her surgery and thankfully there was no damage caused to her other organs.

Amidst the various health issues in our family, financial hardships, and other things I won't mention here, there are blessing also. For instance, I'm so glad for my mother's recovery as well as my sisters. It helps me realize how blessed I am to have them around. Also, I'm extremely filled with joy, when I look at my baby. She is such a sweet blessing I can't help but smile when I hold her in my arms. One more thing I'd like to mention, is my second born just began attending collage. She has always been such a great helper and  great company that we'll be missing having her around during the day. Still. I'm so happy for her, as I've witnessed her hard work pay off and am definitely proud of her achievements. 

All these things have been, to a huge extent, a great source of gratitude toward Hashem for His goodness; and an enormous motivation to draw closer to Him through prayer. 


All these events bring this Scripture to mind. (Ecclesiastes 3)

 1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. 

9What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth? 10I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11He hath made every thing beautiful in his time

The Dreaded Struggle with Reading

   Homeschooling may be more of a challenge on some days than others. With the difference in learning styles among other factors, finding a teaching method that works for both student and teacher can be difficult at times. Despite any difficulties and challenges that may arise from the task before us, we can be sure that we can certainly succeed with the help of perseverance and dedication. Naturally every child can have different strengths and weaknesses which will need to be identified. There may be a child that is especially quick at learning new things and with a gifted memory, while another may seem to struggle and present an uncooperative attitude.

   

    I believe that with the several homeschooled children I've worked with, I've had my share of challenges. As a matter of fact, I once found myself in a situation where all hope seemed to be lost. My child was uncooperative and miserable on a daily basis. I'm not sure how I got through those days, all I remember is they seemed to go on forever. At the same time I was also teaching the opposite type of student, which only made things appear to be worse than they really were with my struggling learner. Time did pass by though, and struggle as we were, we continued on our homeschooling endeavor. The days were long and difficult, as at the time I was also raising toddlers and pregnant for the most. My child was in tears each and every day, and basically any time we were working on any kind of formal reading, writing, or arithmetic exercises. While I can't give much details on how we overcame our challenges, I would like to give a word of hope to any struggling parent trying to homeschool with similar challenges. One thing that I will tell you is DON'T DESPAIR! There is always hope and without a doubt, light at the end of the tunnel! Success is all the sweeter when it's something you've worked hard and longed for all along. This time of struggles were a learning time for both my child and me. It definitely was a lesson in patience for me; I can tell you that much. 

   We continued studying and though it may seem illogical, I never tried to water down our lessons or making them any simpler; if anything, we constantly reached for higher goals. Naturally, there had to be much encouragement along the way. I had to not only convince my child of the certainty of success, but I had to believe it myself first. We read and eventually the tears stopped. We mastered the basic math concepts with even greater ease. Little by little we moved forward making progress as the days and months went by. Today this once struggling student is unrecognizable. Not only did reading become bearable but it's become somewhat of a hobby as reading is done voluntarily and even for pleasure. I can honestly say this is my ideal kind of student. My child did not only learn what we aimed for, but embraced learning as a goal and a way of life. This days, when I need help on proofreading any kind of writing guess whom I turn to. Even when I need to refresh my memory concerning any math concept I'm covering with my other children, my once struggling learner is there to the rescue.

   I've got to admit, that I'm far from being the best teacher. I don't have all the answers and I'm still learning and trying to improve my teaching skills. Every chance I get, I want to learn from good teachers and their methods. At the moment I'm happy to say, I'm in the middle of reading Teach Like Your Hair is on Fire after having just finished There are No Shortcuts which are both a great inspiration to me. There is no special method that I follow, just a desire to be there for my children and watch them succeed. I may do a lousy job at times, while have great days on others, but my focus is not on the immediate results. My goal is to do the job I've been called to as helpmeet, mother, and teacher; hopefully to the best of my ability. If you find yourself struggling or desiring to give up, remember there is hope, and sometimes the first kids to be labeled are the very ones to prove to excel among the rest. I would encourage you to read about Einstein's childhood.   Even when every child is not necessarily a genius, we can know that they are teachable and that we can reach our goals.  So don't give up and most of all don't lose sight of why you began homeschooling in the first place. Remember that success is waiting right around the corner.

An Excellent Daughter, the Greatest Mother

     When my mother was around 18 years old her life was turned up-side down, due to a terrible occurrence. Her mother had a tragic accident, which brought on an unexpectedly early death; shortly thereafter, her father's health quickly declined leaving him in a bed-ridden state, which required constant care. While yet grieving the loss of her mother, my mother found herself caring for her father as his health abruptly deteriorated. Despite the fact that she was not the oldest, she stepped into the role of taking responsibility for her father. For months, she would tend to him night after night, while having to adjust to the move, to her grandmother's house.

     It was during this difficult time that she would meet the man, who would soon be her future husband. While staying at her grandmother's house, she met a young man, who was a close friend of the family. He was very much welcomed there, as her grandmother recognized and valued the character traits this young man possessed. The idea of her granddaughter marrying this young man was set in her mind. However, my mother was not the granddaughter she had in mind for him, since she had another granddaughter close to her at the time. The grief caused by her father's health was too much for her to bear, let alone have time to think of other things. It was during this distressing time that her loving kindness and the way in which she honored her father, won this young man over. Sometime later, after my mom's father passed away, my father asked her to marry him. My mother at times jokingly has said that he just felt sorry for her and all she went through. Contrary to this idea, is the fact that my father always had a great reverence for his own parents, and highly esteemed these types of values. My mother was not a woman that spoke beautiful things about her ideals. She was not looking to be noticed. She was not even someone who was looking for a relationship. She was only being herself. Not a lot of talk, just action. She lovingly served her father to his very last breath.

     Many years later she once again found herself in a similar situation; this time it was her husband in his deathbed. Also due to an accident, this in his case happened at work. She cared for him throughout many difficult months, day and night there by his side until the day he too passed away. When she found herself on her own, and facing all the needs of her family, she did all she could to become the sole provider and head of the family. This meant two jobs, in order to get my older sister through college, while supporting four more children. By this time, two of my siblings were married and living in their new homes. My mother's life was basically dedicated to serving others and sacrificing herself. Although she had the opportunity to remarry, she decided her family was more important and without giving it a second thought, denied herself the possibility of remarrying. My mother, always a hardworking woman, only decided to quit her second job after many years, and after speaking to our pastor, who urged her to attend services with her whole family. Her strong character, dedication, loving kindness and the way she sacrificed herself without hesitation are things I highly admire in her. I will never be able to thank her enough for all she's done and for setting such a high standard of both an excellent daughter and mother. May the L-rd give her many more years of life to see the fruit of her labor, and to give me the opportunity to show her how much I love and admire her.

     There are many other things in her life, that I could write about, so much so, that I could fill a whole book's worth, only- I selected this short description instead, in her honor, as Mother's day approaches, though I strongly believe everyday should be Mother's day.

                                Still grieving over her father's death at the time of the wedding.

                                     

Reflections On Calling

After picking up my dear son from his GED classes; he, my daughter Kimberly, and I drove over to the park for some exercise. We've been going there to jog for the past few days. This not only gives me time to spend with them, but also some much needed exercise. We had a good jog, and then headed back home. As soon as we arrived, I noticed my 18 month old with his brothers waiting for me outside. Like the past few days, he was so happy to see me home again. Only this time it was different. The first words out of his mouth were "I love you!". I couldn't believe it, my little guy speaking this words so clearly with a big smile on his face. It just melt my heart. He quickly reached for me and I had to hug and kiss him. What a tender moment that was.

Moments like this make me realize how blessed I am with this precious family. I think about the importance of raising up my children in the fear of the L-rd. I'm so grateful for the privilege of motherhood. My desire is to be granted the wisdom to rise up to the occasion or better yet to my calling. I thank my Heavenly Father for the blessings in my life. May my love for Him be as sweet, sincere, and tender as the love of a little one. May He guide me and enable me to do the very best for His honor and glory!

Date With Godzilla

I loaded my last load in the drier and have a few minutes to unwind. Today mostly slipped away without much progress in our schooling or home. It started out with my getting up with just enough time to drop my son off to his GED class. As I got home I was met outside by my other son Isaac. He apparently was upset about my not having taken the time to watch a movie with him. Since this was so important to him, I agreed to not put it off any longer. We went to my room and were joined by everyone else for the long anticipated event. My oldest daughters set up our lap top quickly connecting it to our plasma TV. The movie began and with the kids all gathered around we settled to watch. At some point though, I'm not sure when, I began falling asleep. It's not that I don't care to watch Godzilla movies which so interest my child, but the nights being kept up due to my allergies is taking a toll on me. I feel lousy most of the day, and don't usually get the amount of sleep my body requires. So I slept until I finally dragged myself out of bed, only because it was time to pick up David from class. The rest of the day is more of a blur to me. Beside the few loads of laundry I managed to get done, a few dishes washed, some picking up here and there, and sending the kids to do their schooling and do some chores I practically wasted the day.
I felt groggy and cranky but mostly guilty. First, I disappointed Isaac who noticed my falling asleep, obviously! Then I didn't oversee my kids schooling as I like. My house work definitely demands more of my attention if it is to keep functioning. Tomorrow L-rd willing will be a better day. After my morning prayers I'm planning to get working on a to-do list. I find this helpful; specially when my mind is not clear as a result of the little sleep I'm getting lately. One thing I best include in the list is my time with Isaac no matter what it takes. Time spent with my kids is extremely important. Not only is it important to them, but I want to be sure they know how much it means to me too. So tomorrow it's another date Isaac, Me, and yes, once again Godzilla.

This Month

This particular month has been very hard on me; mainly because of health issues. It seems that I've spent a great deal of time ill lately. I cry out to Adonai. L-rd I need you desparetly. At times I have fallen into deep discouragement but He always brings me comfort. My heart yearns for Hashem as I seek a closer walk with Him. Trials may come and hardships no doubt, but my hope rests in Him.

Thank You Hasem, for your loving kindness. For the wonderful gift
of your Torah, I can't help but be grateful. Thank you inmensly
for the people you've surrounded me with, both friends and family.
Those that encourage my walk, and those that put it to test.

I know it all comes from Him. As I sat in bed reading my bible, I found myself reading from the book of Job. My eyes were drawn to the words there before me. "What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?" Then I sat there thinking. There is a purpose to all this. What can I learn? I asked myself. For one, I'm faced with the choice of trusting my Heavenly Father. That's a good thing. Anything that I must learn, I pray He gives me the understanding to learn.

Throughout all this I have also realized that I can not lock myself in my room and ignore the world around me. Many things have demanded my attention. Though my natural inclination was to sink into depression, I found myself fighting these feelings I knew were not acceptable. Others needed me! I have a young mother to mentor. I have a nephew and neace to encourage. My children are depending on me to teach them. And others were there whom I had to serve. It is not acceptable that I should fall apart!

The strength came to me when I needed it most. Hashem answered my prayers. He alone got me through it all. Each day that passes I have an increasing joy in my heart. One that doesn't seem comprehendable but is there. I find myself singing daily, praises to His name. This is what Hashem does in my life. He gives me victory to live a life beyond my wildest imaginations. What ever time I may have left to live, be it days or years, I want to live it for Him. Though our finances are unstable because the company isn't doing so well, I will trust in Him. Though I may suffer from poor health, I will praise Him. As long as I have breath, I want to praise Him and thank Him.

As this Tish B'Av passes, I will remember that in the midst of what may seem the worst tragedies, our G-d is there. Loving and caring, What a compassionate Father. Surely "those that sow in sorrow will reap in joyful singing" as the psalms tell us. Baruch Hashem!