Sunday, April 7, 2013

A time to mourn: One mother's painful loss

It's barely been a month and the memory is quite vivid. This is my personal experience of a most terrible loss but I think this is a story worth sharing. I believe so, for the sake of any mother out there going through a similar experience. It was a few months back when I first found out I was expecting. The news came bringing  us feelings of excitement and happiness. The thought of a tender little baby in my arms. This would most definitely be a welcomed blessing in our home. The first weeks were quite tiring and a bit difficult to get by. Currently employed outside my home was quickly becoming a challenge. Because of the proximity of my job, I managed to come home daily for a much needed nap. This helped me somewhat, though managing home and my job was was increasingly difficult due to my pregnancy. My amazing family was so much help during these days, especially my third-born daughter. I am very thankful for them all. 

Up early each day, I managed to drag myself out of bed thinking that surely I'd be quitting in three months. My thought was to hang on just a little longer; then I'd be a stay at home mom once again. I was looking forward to finally being home with my kids, and soon with my baby as well. What a joy these thoughts brought to me. There was so much going through my mind and so many plans to be made. 

Then one day an abrupt event changed everything.  I woke up early one day with the past night's dream very clear in my memory. I usually had dreams and remember them, but it had been a while since this happened. This morning I was shocked at my dream. It was so clear in my mind and very painful as I thought about it. I knew in my heart that this dream meant something and cried thinking what it could possibly mean. In my dream I saw my unborn child, he was a boy with such a look of innocence that left such an impression on me. As I looked into his eyes, I noticed a deep sadness in his eyes. I wondered at such a thing and then before I knew it I woke up. Now this might sound like an ordinary dream to some, but I knew it was for a reason I had dreamt  it. 

I want to explain something about myself before continuing. I'm not superstitious or anything like that. Before this, I hadn't really ever thought much about this, that is until recently. In reality, my thoughts were quite contrary than what I think today. Up until recently I discarded my whole dream thing as coincidences. You see, during every one of my pregnancies I've had a dream of each of my children. I have always dreamt of my babies before they are born, and in my dreams I can tell what their gender is. I know it's a bit bizarre, but true. This has been true of all eleven children. And there was even a particular time, back in 2001 which was unlike the rest. On this day I recalled a dream, when a voice told me I was expecting a boy. What was so strange to me, was that I didn't know I was pregnant. A few hours later I got very sick. I knew somehow that this meant a miscarriage, and a few hours later at the ER, my worst fears were confirmed.

Back to the dream of this last pregnancy, something inside told me what it meant. My thoughts were that something was wrong with the baby, and though I dreaded the thought, I believed it meant I would lose him. As I drove to work that morning I cried and prayed to the L-rd. I cried for help and especially prayed that the baby would be okay. Then a peace came over me, and as tears rolled down my face I spoke to my Heavenly Father saying I will accept your will whatever it may be. 

Shortly after that, not sure how many days I began feeling sick. There was the smallest sign of spotting and the feeling I can't describe, but can just say was of not feeling well. I had only known of my pregnancy a short time, and was only planning to make a doctor's appointment. I thought, maybe this Friday I'll look over my insurance and make my appointment. It was Monday, but as the week progress and no signs of improvement showed I began to doubt about my pregnancy. What if I wasn't pregnant after all, I thought. One short drive to the store and another quick home pregnancy test dispelled those doubts immediately. I was glad to find I was right about being pregnant, but worried about my health.

I continued working, reasoning that it would be alright since my job required me to spend most of the time sitting. It also gave me the opportunity to go home for several hours and get some rest. Yet, every morning as I drove to work, I cried, prayed to G-D, and even spoke to my unborn child. I told my baby how much I loved him, and how he was much wanted by everyone at home. By this time my oldest children knew about my pregnancy, only my four youngest didn't. I had also began telling my children at different times that I wasn't feeling well, and what this could mean for the baby.

Friday morning came, as I woke to discomfort and pain. I got up around four and tried going back to sleep after a while, only to wake to the pain and the thought that I was experiencing contractions. Suddenly, I realized I was covered in blood and as I cried and got up to change, my husband's first thoughts were to call for an ambulance. I asked  him right away not to, but to instead drive me to a hospital very close to our house. I was sitting on chair quite weak as my daughter helped me get dressed and put my shoes on. Suddenly the room seamed to get dark, and I urged my husband to call our first-born. 

All I recall next is waking and while my eyes were yet closed recalling all these things and thinking I would tell my husband what a strange dream I had just dreamt. Unfortunately, as I opened my eyes and realized I was being carried to the car, I became aware it was actually happening. I was in and out of consciousness at the hospital after that with my husband and son by my side.  After a transfusion of several units of blood, I was awake and conscious to the painful reality of having lost my baby. 

 No sooner had I woke from a surgical procedure then my sisters arrived from out of town; immediately to be there by my side. It's beyond words for me to explain how good it did to me; that is, to have their support when I needed most. I felt G-d's loving care through my dear husband, my son, and sisters. Everything seemed to have happened so quickly. I was heartbroken, but at the same time was experiencing an unexplainable peace. This was an experience quite unlike the one during my first miscarriege, when my world was falling apart, and all I wished was to die. It's strange that this pregnancy that I had more time to grow attached to the baby, I was experiencing this peace and serenity. 

I definitely still cry when I remember. I feel a sadness and a loss that I may never quite recover from. There will always be a place in my heart, a memory of my baby. When I returned to my doctor for a follow up, I cried as the doctor explained that what I had thought was one and a half to two months pregnancy was actually closer to four. And of course after the lab results' explanations, she went on to tell me what I already knew....       the baby was a boy.

For any mothers out there having been through this kind of loss, I want to say there is healing. You can go on, and you can find G-D's loving comfort. Pray to Him, draw close to him. He know's your pain. If you can't imagine a greater love than a mother's for her child, let me tell you there is one greater. The greatest love ever, is G-D's love for us. He can heal your aching heart, just seek him. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Matt.5:4 


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